Wednesday, January 5, 2011

The Past Few Days...

I haven’t been very inspired lately. It’s been sort of a rough past few days. I really try to focus on the beauty in life, and how lucky I am, but sometimes that gets exhausting when you’re genuinely hurt or mad or sad or worried or stressed. Sometimes it just feels good to cry and feel sorry for yourself.

Do you want to know how it started? I saw some girl puke a few days ago. Yep, that sounds ridiculous, I know. But here’s the story; I went downtown Hamilton to look at a few things. I ended up venturing east down King Street, past Jackson Square, where it gets increasingly sketchy with each block you go. I started feeling uneasy, and decided to turn back. I crossed the road to the other side of King where the businesses are abandoned and not as many people walk the sidewalks. It was dark, even for , and cold.

I’m a small town girl. I’m used to walking down sidewalks, recognizing most of the people I see, and even if I don’t, I smile and they smile back. I feel safe back at home. I don’t feel like I’m going to mugged or hassled or yelled at or pushed.

But anyways, on the doorstep of one of the abandoned buildings, this girl is standing with her boyfriend. They look homeless. She looks, well, really ill. She looks cold and sad. She looks like she might be drunk or stoned or under some kind of influence. All of a sudden she throws up, everywhere. And she’s screaming and coughing from deep in her chest and puking all of the place. And I’m right there.

I picked up my pace and pretended I didn’t just witness that. Her boyfriend looked so upset and embarrassed for her. The weirdest thing happened to me while she was getting sick though. It’s like I went numb, and then my chest started hurting, and I just wanted to cry. Like, lie down on the sidewalk in the fetal position and cry, as PMS as that sounds.

 Then as I kept walking, still shaky, I saw two puppies tied together and chained to a door. Some homeless guy was sitting with them and asking for spare change. I didn’t have any. The sight made me want to cry even more. I literally had a lump in my throat and my eyes were stinging. I’m feeling that way again as I write this.

Once I turned off of King onto James, I heard two men shouting. One yelled “HEY, WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU’RE GOING!” I thought he was talking to me so I turned around. It was two guys about to fight, or so I thought. The one guy pulled out a ratty newspaper and held it up in front of their faces. They then proceeded to exchange what I can only imaging was drugs.

I took off, praying they wouldn’t kill me for watching them. Finally when I made it back to my apartment twenty minutes later I locked the door and cried for a solid amount of time. I missed home so much. I didn’t want to be in this stupid city anymore. Why did I come here in the first place? I don’t belong at all, I’m way too sensitive and get upset too easily. I’m not tough. I’m weak.

Anyways, after a good cry I always feel better. It puts things into perspective. I moved here because I wanted to grow up. I wanted to experience life on my own, pay my own bills, call my own shots. I wanted to further my photography knowledge. I do like it here. I have great friends at McMaster, Josh lives here, the girls I work with at Sirens are awesome and fascinating and absolutely gorgeous. Yes, Hamilton isn’t the most glorious place to live, but I’m getting stronger and braver by being in it. Slowly, at least.

That night things got bad again. I won’t bore you with details, but since then I’ve had my fair share of crying sessions. I had one this morning too. I hate being like this. I went to work today and when I looked in the mirror I had mascara all over my cheeks that I didn’t notice before. Great. I pretended it was from the cold making my eyes water. I don’t like to let other people see me upset.

I ate some delicious grilled cheese for dinner tonight. I will drink chamomile tea. I recently bought some O.P.I. nail polish as a little pick-me-up, so I’m going to paint my nails in Panda-Monium Pink. I’ll watch the Shaytards. Josh will come over after the hockey game and hug me. Things get better.

This has been a weird few days. I’ll be back to my regular self soon.

Taylor Rebecca.

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