Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Storms Make Trees Take Deeper Roots

Every year around April my soul begins to do peculiar things. The fragrance of a forest's damp aroma, or a hazy, golden sunset, or the first time I hear a gull cry since the previous year, sends a heart-wrenching ache of nostalgia that overwhelms me for a while. The signs of winter and spring melting away into summer always remind me of life before things became difficult. Difficult may not be the right word, but becoming an adult isn't easy. It's wonderful, but complicated and frightening at the same time.

Summer in my youth was magical. Time was divided between camp in the North and my family's cottage on Chesley Lake. As a child, I ran wild all day with my sisters and friends and didn't slow down until the sun had set. Evenings were spent outdoors. Bonfires, huge games of hide-and-seek, stargazing… I slept outside as much as I could, the crickets and frogs singing me to sleep. In my teen years I worked at a camp nestled in the mountains of British Columbia. Amidst thrilling adventure and ridiculous fun, were nights spent pouring our hearts out to each other, growing into stronger and better people.

Life is different now. It's mature. I love being married and owning my own business. But I have to be responsible now, and with responsibility comes practicality. 

This summer? It wasn't easy on us. Josh was working sixty hours a week at two very high-stress jobs. Sometimes he would have to wake up at 6am, drive to his first eight hour shift, then drive over an hour to his next job which didn't bring him home until 3am the following morning. During the one day a week he had off, most of that was dedicated to catching up on sleep. I didn't blame the poor guy, and am extremely proud of him for working so hard.

But stress levels were high all summer. Josh and I rarely saw each other. My car broke down numerous times and finally quit for good. Unexpected bills needed to be paid. My grandpa passed away. People we thought we could trust started doing things I never thought they were capable of. It was just bad.

I found myself retreating from normal life. I would stay at home during my free time and think about summers past. I missed the magic I once felt, I missed being carefree, I missed the loved ones I've lost since then. I felt like pieces of me were missing and it was impossible to get them back. I was so disappointed and heartbroken over what life should have been like that I didn't even try making it better. I just felt sorry for myself, which I regret more than anything.

I think it takes a tough season to figure out what's important, and why you need to keep fighting to make life worth living. This summer made me realize that it won't always be easy, or even fun for that matter. There will be times when you want to give up, quit your job, run away, whatever. I know this sounds cliché, but it does get better. 

I still think about my childhood and long for the safety and warmth I felt. But that doesn't mean my best days are behind me. Autumn is upon us now and our work schedules have slowed down. We've developed a normal schedule again. Date nights, proper sleep, social events… It feels like the sadness, anger, anxiety, and stress of the summer took place years ago.

I guess I just wanted to write this blog to explain where I've been for the past few months, and to apologize to my friends for being absent for the most part. I treat my 'personal' section of this blog like a diary, and it's always good to document important lessons I've learned.

If and when life gets hard again, I'll be prepared. 

Thanks for listening,

Taylor Rebecca

1 comment:

  1. I love you much and miss your face. My summer was also hard - I'm excited to start a new season afresh.